Talking about “vanilla” sex can be quite nerve-wracking in our sex-negative society. Talking about “kinky” sex can feel downright terrifying. You may be thinking, “Will my partner think I’m weird?” Or, “This is too vulnerable, I don’t want to do it!” Don’t worry, your friendly Sex Coach has a few tips on how to discuss your kinky side with your partner!
Ask your partner about their sexual fantasies and desires.
This is the best way to get the conversation going. Ask about what turns them on and what new things they would like to try. You may be surprised by what they say, maybe they have a similar desire to you but they have been too afraid to talk about it? Or maybe they have an even kinkier request than you do?
Whenever you start a conversation around sex, make sure you pay attention to timing, turf, and tone. Timing – make sure you both are in a fun and relaxed mood. Turf – discuss outside the bedroom, do it over a glass of wine or in the car. Tone – be inquisitive and open-minded, not blaming or judgmental.
If neither of you has had an open discussion about sex before, it may feel awkward. You can say, “I know we have never really talked about our sex life, but a healthy sex life is very important to me and I would love to start having discussions around our sex. And honestly, I feel kind of awkward doing it!”
You may find your partner saying something like, “I don’t have any fantasies,” or “I like everything we are doing, I don’t need any changes.” If this is the case, your partner might have grown up in a sex-negative environment, which has led them to shut-down parts of their sexuality. With this type of person, you may have to bring up the discussion a few times to ease them into it. Tell them about some of your lighter kinks first and work your way up to the bigger kinks over time.
Give them more information.
Your partner may jump to negative conclusions about your kinky desires. In order to mitigate this, explain to them why the desire turns you on. For example, if you want to have a threesome, explain to them that it turns you on to think about a girl going down on your partner, or how exciting it would feel to know you are desired by two people.
Get specific about what your desires would look like in practice. If you say you want to be dominated but don’t give them details about what this would look like, you may leave your partner very confused. Especially because there are a ton of ways to dominate, give your partner a list of things you would like and don’t like. For example, “I like the idea of you calling me names, pulling my hair, and using whips.” “I do not like the idea of you telling me to do chores such as cleaning a toilet.”
This gives your partner practical tools for fulfilling your desires and can help mitigate their fears.
Reassure your partner that you LOVE the sex you have with them. Tell them you find them desirable and that your kinky desires are independent of your sex with your partner.
Don’t pressure them.
If you tell your partner you are interested in cuckolding and they don’t like the idea, do not pressure them into it. This is a quick way to make your partner feel shame and resentment, which will not lead to you getting your desires met.
Instead, give your partner space to feel how they feel. Let them be open and honest with you about their reaction. Be curious and ask them more about why they feel the way they do. You may find some interesting information.
For example, if you want a threesome and your partner is not into it, ask them more about their concerns. You may find they are nervous about showing their naked body to another person or that they are afraid you will leave them for the other person. Once you understand their fears, you can make changes or support them in a way that makes them feel safer.
Be understanding of their reservations and do not name-call. Calling your partner, “vanilla,” or “prude” can definitely backfire.
Try dirty talk first.
Testing a desire by talking it out can give you and your partner the opportunity to practice. You may find you are more or less comfortable than you anticipated. Same for your partner.
For example, Sam has a cuckolding desire and his partner Ellen doesn’t think she likes the idea. When they dirty talk the scenario Sam surprisingly finds that he is jealous and upset, while Ellen finds she is turned on.
Talking the scenario out before acting on it can help you and your partner prepare for unexpected emotions.
Your partner doesn’t get it.
There is always the chance your partner is not understanding of your kinks. This reaction may be quite painful, especially if you are in a long-term relationship. If this happens, please remember that you are not “weird” for having your kink. As long as your kink is consensual and you are not hurting yourself or anyone else, there is nothing wrong with you and your desires.
Find communities of like-minded people and reach out to them. Regardless of how “niche” your kinks may be, there are people out there who are turned on by exactly what turns you on. I recommend checking out online forums like Reddit and Fetlife.
If you have any additional questions reach out to Sex Coach, Kaitlin Klarer on Instagram @mysexcoach or through mysexcoach.com.